I just HAD to repost this as I laughed for 10 minutes about this note... This email was sent to Angela Proffitt, our friend and amazing wedding planner here in Nashville. Usually most of the questions about the specific plans for the big day come from the bride/groom and the families. This groomsman, however, was very concerned about the agenda for the groomsmen. Read below for a good chuckle:
Angela,
Not that we have met before but I want you to know that I am a pretty popular guy and my life could be described by two movies, 27 Dresses and Good Luck Chuck. For the purpose of this e-mail I would like to focus on the 27 Dresses part and not necessarily the fact that all my exes marry the guy that they date after me. I guess that I make girls realize what they want, and apparently that isn’t me.
I just had a few questions about the wedding and also the Groomsmen/Usher Green Room requirements:
1) Why do only the girls get a hair stylist? Do you think that this Alabama Frat Boy haircut that I currently have does itself? I don’t think so. But I would be willing to trade the hairstylist for maybe a chair masseuse. I am open for other suggestions
2) What type of room will we be getting ready in and will there be a spot for my personal full length mirror? I hate getting ready in the choir room, it smells funny and quite frankly the lighting is awful.
3) What level of intoxication is acceptable before the wedding? I don’t want to go into the reception non-buzzed, this seriously could affect my game. I operate with a small buzz most of the time but since there are going to be a lot of single ladies at the reception I might need to come into this thing guns blazing. Is this going to be a problem?
4) Finally, my right side is my strong side and it always seems like I am on the left side of the stage..Can we switch sides? See point 3 regarding hot, single ladies. I need to put my best side forward.
After Angela emailed back with some comedic responses of her own, he further clarified his requests:
Less than 24 days away I am sure that you are busy finalizing details such as seating arrangements, flowers, and other non-important details but I wanted to make sure that I gave you guys ample opportunity to meet my demands. I know that it might seem high maintenance but before you rush to judge let’s remember that dudes don’t get their hair and make-up done, we play golf, shoot guns, or drink. And these requests might seem selfish however it is important to note that a list this long is not only for my entertainment but for the enjoyment of the whole grooms party. Girls get mani-pedi’s, we get 1999 Cristal.
So here it goes in no order of importance: (This does not mean that any item on the list is excludable)
1) Tray of Chik-fil-a nuggets. Good thing this wedding is on a Saturday or we might have problems. I don’t do Yankee weddings or Sunday weddings because of this.
2) 6 bottles of Cristal. Who doesn’t enjoy great champagne with Nuggets. Rappers are right, this stuff is the truth.
3) 2 Gallons of Crown Royal. Canadians are sissies, but they know how to make whiskey. Same rule applies to Kentucky.
4) Case of Vitamin Water. If it is good enough for 50 Cent then it is good enough for me.
5) One electric three wheel mobility scooter. I saw some lady pushing shopping carts with one of these on the way back from STL and thought “Dang, that woman has the idea”
6) Flat screen television with Cable. We can’t be bootlegging off the internet. This has happened and caused undo stress.
7) La-z-Boy Recliner. Enough for the whole wedding party. Those plastic chairs in the choir room suck. I am full grown, those chairs are for sixth graders and Zach Morris
8) 4 full length mirrors with lights. I am not trying to have a bad hair day or any lint on my tux. I am ready to party and my outfit should be too.
9) One box Cuban cigars (Montecristo). I might be trying to look good, but I am going to smell awful because I am smoking these beforehand.
10) Bottle of Crest mouthwash. See above.
11) Two vases of Stargazer lilies. I send these to undeserving girls on the reg. They are pretty, I want Cody to enjoy them.
12) Sprite and RC Cola. If you have a hard time finding RC Cola let me know, I know a guy
13) Case of the Red and White. Finest Belgian lager made. Preferably no more than a week old born on date.
14) One stretch limousine, black or white, 186 inches long. Current year model. I stole this from James Brown. I don’t want to drive to the reception, my history precedes me.
15) One white lion. Mike Tyson had one and he was a bad mother. I have a deeper voice than him. I am one bad mother. No one does tax returns like I do tax returns.
I think this should suffice. And honestly I probably should get back to work. I have my performance review and I have to come up for good reasons to back up to my boss why I have been sending him emails with subject lines such “Show Me the Money”, “Pay Me”, and “Make it Rain” every day this week.
Angela,
Not that we have met before but I want you to know that I am a pretty popular guy and my life could be described by two movies, 27 Dresses and Good Luck Chuck. For the purpose of this e-mail I would like to focus on the 27 Dresses part and not necessarily the fact that all my exes marry the guy that they date after me. I guess that I make girls realize what they want, and apparently that isn’t me.
I just had a few questions about the wedding and also the Groomsmen/Usher Green Room requirements:
1) Why do only the girls get a hair stylist? Do you think that this Alabama Frat Boy haircut that I currently have does itself? I don’t think so. But I would be willing to trade the hairstylist for maybe a chair masseuse. I am open for other suggestions
2) What type of room will we be getting ready in and will there be a spot for my personal full length mirror? I hate getting ready in the choir room, it smells funny and quite frankly the lighting is awful.
3) What level of intoxication is acceptable before the wedding? I don’t want to go into the reception non-buzzed, this seriously could affect my game. I operate with a small buzz most of the time but since there are going to be a lot of single ladies at the reception I might need to come into this thing guns blazing. Is this going to be a problem?
4) Finally, my right side is my strong side and it always seems like I am on the left side of the stage..Can we switch sides? See point 3 regarding hot, single ladies. I need to put my best side forward.
After Angela emailed back with some comedic responses of her own, he further clarified his requests:
Less than 24 days away I am sure that you are busy finalizing details such as seating arrangements, flowers, and other non-important details but I wanted to make sure that I gave you guys ample opportunity to meet my demands. I know that it might seem high maintenance but before you rush to judge let’s remember that dudes don’t get their hair and make-up done, we play golf, shoot guns, or drink. And these requests might seem selfish however it is important to note that a list this long is not only for my entertainment but for the enjoyment of the whole grooms party. Girls get mani-pedi’s, we get 1999 Cristal.
So here it goes in no order of importance: (This does not mean that any item on the list is excludable)
1) Tray of Chik-fil-a nuggets. Good thing this wedding is on a Saturday or we might have problems. I don’t do Yankee weddings or Sunday weddings because of this.
2) 6 bottles of Cristal. Who doesn’t enjoy great champagne with Nuggets. Rappers are right, this stuff is the truth.
3) 2 Gallons of Crown Royal. Canadians are sissies, but they know how to make whiskey. Same rule applies to Kentucky.
4) Case of Vitamin Water. If it is good enough for 50 Cent then it is good enough for me.
5) One electric three wheel mobility scooter. I saw some lady pushing shopping carts with one of these on the way back from STL and thought “Dang, that woman has the idea”
6) Flat screen television with Cable. We can’t be bootlegging off the internet. This has happened and caused undo stress.
7) La-z-Boy Recliner. Enough for the whole wedding party. Those plastic chairs in the choir room suck. I am full grown, those chairs are for sixth graders and Zach Morris
8) 4 full length mirrors with lights. I am not trying to have a bad hair day or any lint on my tux. I am ready to party and my outfit should be too.
9) One box Cuban cigars (Montecristo). I might be trying to look good, but I am going to smell awful because I am smoking these beforehand.
10) Bottle of Crest mouthwash. See above.
11) Two vases of Stargazer lilies. I send these to undeserving girls on the reg. They are pretty, I want Cody to enjoy them.
12) Sprite and RC Cola. If you have a hard time finding RC Cola let me know, I know a guy
13) Case of the Red and White. Finest Belgian lager made. Preferably no more than a week old born on date.
14) One stretch limousine, black or white, 186 inches long. Current year model. I stole this from James Brown. I don’t want to drive to the reception, my history precedes me.
15) One white lion. Mike Tyson had one and he was a bad mother. I have a deeper voice than him. I am one bad mother. No one does tax returns like I do tax returns.
I think this should suffice. And honestly I probably should get back to work. I have my performance review and I have to come up for good reasons to back up to my boss why I have been sending him emails with subject lines such “Show Me the Money”, “Pay Me”, and “Make it Rain” every day this week.